Purpose for Pain

 Hi, I’m Seny. I’d like to be real for a minute and share some dark times I had a couple of years ago and what I’ve learned since then.

Alright so, it’s Senior year 2017 and I’m 18. 

2017 is by far the worst year of my existence for a number of reasons.

•I had saved all the hard classes for my last year of high school that lead me to be anxious and stressed.

•I had neglected my relationship with God and I began to live for myself and my selfish desires

•My mother had gone into a deep depression that led her to be hospitalized twice ( at this time I didn’t have a clue/ fully understand what clinical depression looked like and i was really heartless towards my mom)

•I had gained 30+ pounds (would binge eat alone in my room time to time) Gaining this weight made me very insecure about my image and what others thought of me

•The church I had grown up in was beginning to fall apart and relationships were being broken

•I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to who would understand what I was going through (made myself believe i had no friends)

•Overall kept feeling sorry for myself and had a bad attitude most days

Because of all of this that seemed to be happening at once, I began hurting myself and filling my head with negative thoughts. There was a day when everyone in my household was going to be gone for the night either to go to a movie or dinner. I said I wanted to stay home that night because i didn’t feel like going out. 

I watched them leave in the car and I headed upstairs to my bedroom. What I’m about to tell you is something I’ve never shared with anyone before… I began writing a suicide letter. I remember me starting the letter saying something along the lines of 18 years being a pretty good amount of time for me. I had sat in my closet for a while, punching my face and scratching my skin with a sharp pencil (never a knife, because i can’t really stand the sight of my own blood) and having what seemed to be a broken record of thoughts saying how unloved, worthless, fat, ugly, and pathetic of a person I am. I was serious about that day being my last and I had a plan. I knew my dad had a safe with a handgun. As I began walking toward the safe I had a surreal experience. *I’m going to try to describe it the best way I know how* I was reaching with my right hand to open the closet that the safe was in, and as I’m reaching, my left hand grabbed my right hand down to my side and a voice from within spoke out of my mouth, “no, no, no—stop!” I believe that voice to be the Holy Spirit. I turned away from the closet and went back to my room and began praying to God to forgive me for what I was going to do. I soon had a different soundtrack running in my mind and a instant overwhelming feeling of peace, love, and comfort being poured heavily over me. God had taken my burden and replaced it with His love, understanding, and mercy.

I have heard the phrase, “God won’t give you more than you can handle” so many times and thought that couldn’t be any further from the truth. I think God gives us more than we can handle as a testing of our faith— to prove just how much we need Him. God didn’t gift me life so I could destroy it or decide when to take it. Believe me when I say He creates life with Purpose! I was created by God and for God!(“For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.” Colossians 1:16). I’ve learned that life has good and bad seasons, all of which I need to continually be seeking God through. 

Since then, I have:

•restored my relationship with God >> growing stronger in my faith 

•built a new community of people around me who inspire me everyday

•Lost 30 pounds and picking up healthy habits

•Educated myself and grew an understanding of what clinical depression is (apologized to my mom for thinking she was “just wanting attention”)

•Slowly accepting my flaws and striving for excellence, not perfection

•Been working on loving myself so i can love others

I would like to close with a reminder for anyone reading this that You are loved, You are important, and You matter.

drowning seems pleasant when you’ve been water boarded.

both are horrible, yes— but at least drowning slowly takes away a bit of consciousness until you’re completely gone. Water boarding on the other hand, is intentional. Meaning to repeatedly cause harm, damage, and fear.

Perhaps I’m dramatic but death sometimes looks better than life.

 

—Zaiah

Creating Carter Payne:

***Carter Eugene Payne is a fictional character I have created for a book I am currently working on.

-Carter is the “brotherly type” of a friend. The guy who is always going to stick up for you or more importantly protect you.

-He is selfless, independent, and confident

-Under uncomfortable situations, Carter can be quite timid and find running away to be the best solution.

-Age: 22

-Physical Features: 6’2 with Greyish blue eyes, dark brown hair (a little bit longer but not ponytail long), and handsome (but Carter is oblivious to his good looks).

-Favorite Color: Hunter green (due to his love of the woods and going there in time of hurt/pain)

-Carter is very resourceful and is a skilled craftsman

-His backstory will be revealed and narrated by “Miss B” in a separate post but Carter escapes his current life and ventures to embark on quite the journey.

A little piece from my mind:

Zaiah:

It became clear after a while that he liked me, but I had never been liked or even loved in this way before. Men had always been monsters or pigs in my eyes—with their manipulative sweet talk to their desired touching. Carter made me believe that real love existed even if I was considered “damaged goods” in my part of town. He made sure I was comfortable and he respected the distance I set between us. Carter had this thing where if I was ever down or thinking he was losing interest in me, he’d gaze into my eyes and give a quick wink followed by a smirky smile. God, I loved him. But… it’s like everyone says, “All good things must come to an end”, right?

I often forget to introduce myself so, Hi I’m Seny. Now, I need people to understand that I am not a “writer”, but I do like when people have to hear/ read what I have to say. I guess since this is my first page to make I should start out by telling others about myself.

1. My name is Seny. It is not Sunny, Sony, Sheeny, Senna, Seni, Sexy, or Sinny.
2. One thing I would like to change about myself is my eating habits.
3. I want to live for the Lord and pursue Him.
4. I am an extrovert, but many file me as an introvert.
5. Making others feel good about themselves or buying gifts for people makes me feel accomplished.
6. When I grow up I want to… I’ll get back to you on that one.
7. I would say I have three Best Friends. Lali, Savannah, and Audrey.
8. I care about family a lot and have notice for me personally that losing anyone right now sucks because you can’t replace family members.
9. My typical weekend is watching Netflix with the family, going to Church, and maybe hit’n up the mall. (I don’t get out much.)
10. For the past five years I have been getting sick a week before my birthday. ( Like WTWhat?!) #suckyimmunesystem
11. I like school, but math is cray.
12. I would say painting and drawing are my only “hobbies”.
13. If I were to meet a few celebrities of my choice they would be: Tom Hiddleston, Tim Burton, and Mandy Moore.
14. I like a person that can keep me laughing.
15. Singing is fun… except when your mom or sister tries to harmonize every freak’n note.
16. I am not wise with my money giving. For example, when my brother and I went to the gas station a man approached our car asking for some money to get to Springfield. I quickly grabbed a couple of 20 dollar bills and sent him on his way. I remember the man looking very surprised and grateful, and that is when I realized I had just given him 60 bucks.
17. I have been told that I am funny, but do not expect me to “perform” a comedy skit for your other friends. Like what am I? A dog that can talk? Seriously.
18. I am the most thankful for my life because I know I do not deserve it.
19. If I had a genie to grant me 3 wishes I would wish for all problems to be solved which I think would be the only wish I really need.
20. My biggest regret in life is constantly letting people “walk all over me”.
21. Going back to #6 When I grow up I want to be a loving, respectful wife and mother.
22. The hardest thing for me to accept is that I am not the center of the universe and other people are going through difficult situations too.
23. I love Disney movies.
24. I can often times be random.
25. I can be aggravating on purpose.
26. I am a teacher’s pet.
27. Chocolate is gold.
28. I enjoy colder weather because I can dress warm and comfy.
29. I have a hard time when people tell me to do something. Not because I am incapable of doing the task, but because they want to sit down and watch me do it. (God gave you legs… use them)
30. I want 5 kids when I’m older and married.
31. Favorite song is by Daryl Hall & John Oats called “You Make My Dreams Come True” because it makes me happy.
32. I am a slave to my long hair.
33. I work well with others as long as they are nice.
34. I think a lot.