Purpose for Pain
Hi, I’m Seny. I’d like to be real for a minute and share some dark times I had a couple of years ago and what I’ve learned since then.
Alright so, it’s Senior year 2017 and I’m 18.
2017 is by far the worst year of my existence for a number of reasons.
•I had saved all the hard classes for my last year of high school that lead me to be anxious and stressed.
•I had neglected my relationship with God and I began to live for myself and my selfish desires
•My mother had gone into a deep depression that led her to be hospitalized twice ( at this time I didn’t have a clue/ fully understand what clinical depression looked like and i was really heartless towards my mom)
•I had gained 30+ pounds (would binge eat alone in my room time to time) Gaining this weight made me very insecure about my image and what others thought of me
•The church I had grown up in was beginning to fall apart and relationships were being broken
•I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to who would understand what I was going through (made myself believe i had no friends)
•Overall kept feeling sorry for myself and had a bad attitude most days
Because of all of this that seemed to be happening at once, I began hurting myself and filling my head with negative thoughts. There was a day when everyone in my household was going to be gone for the night either to go to a movie or dinner. I said I wanted to stay home that night because i didn’t feel like going out.
I watched them leave in the car and I headed upstairs to my bedroom. What I’m about to tell you is something I’ve never shared with anyone before… I began writing a suicide letter. I remember me starting the letter saying something along the lines of 18 years being a pretty good amount of time for me. I had sat in my closet for a while, punching my face and scratching my skin with a sharp pencil (never a knife, because i can’t really stand the sight of my own blood) and having what seemed to be a broken record of thoughts saying how unloved, worthless, fat, ugly, and pathetic of a person I am. I was serious about that day being my last and I had a plan. I knew my dad had a safe with a handgun. As I began walking toward the safe I had a surreal experience. *I’m going to try to describe it the best way I know how* I was reaching with my right hand to open the closet that the safe was in, and as I’m reaching, my left hand grabbed my right hand down to my side and a voice from within spoke out of my mouth, “no, no, no—stop!” I believe that voice to be the Holy Spirit. I turned away from the closet and went back to my room and began praying to God to forgive me for what I was going to do. I soon had a different soundtrack running in my mind and a instant overwhelming feeling of peace, love, and comfort being poured heavily over me. God had taken my burden and replaced it with His love, understanding, and mercy.
I have heard the phrase, “God won’t give you more than you can handle” so many times and thought that couldn’t be any further from the truth. I think God gives us more than we can handle as a testing of our faith— to prove just how much we need Him. God didn’t gift me life so I could destroy it or decide when to take it. Believe me when I say He creates life with Purpose! I was created by God and for God!(“For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.” Colossians 1:16). I’ve learned that life has good and bad seasons, all of which I need to continually be seeking God through.
Since then, I have:
•restored my relationship with God >> growing stronger in my faith
•built a new community of people around me who inspire me everyday
•Lost 30 pounds and picking up healthy habits
•Educated myself and grew an understanding of what clinical depression is (apologized to my mom for thinking she was “just wanting attention”)
•Slowly accepting my flaws and striving for excellence, not perfection
•Been working on loving myself so i can love others
I would like to close with a reminder for anyone reading this that You are loved, You are important, and You matter.
thinkseny 